Is Dwelling on the Negative Hurting You?

You are sitting at home and your mind keeps going over the negatives — over and over. You keep reviewing what has happened to you — perhaps a conflict with someone, something at work, your living conditions, your finances, your health. Whatever. You dwell on it. You are stuck.

What is Rumination?

A lot of people sit at home, dwell on the negative and find themselves getting deeper and deeper in their depression. Psychologists call this style of repetitive negative thoughts “rumination.” When cows ruminate, they chew on their cud, chomping over and over without swallowing. When humans ruminate, they repeat negative thoughts over and over, dwelling on something either in the past or the present — but do nothing to change anything. Ruminating is like spinning your wheels in the mud. You don’t seem to be getting anywhere, so you just keep spinning your wheels, faster and faster. You keep digging a hole, find yourself stuck, and dig deeper and deeper.

Examples of rumination include repeating in your mind negative experiences in the past, replaying conversations that you had, dwelling on the “injuries” and “injustices” that you have suffered, or asking questions that don’t have answers, such as “Why am I so depressed?,” “Why me?,” “What is the meaning of all of this?” or “Why did he or she say that?” You may ruminate about your physical maladies, your aches and pains, your emotions, your sensations or just about anything. The key thing is that you are stuck.

The Cost of Rumination

Susan Nolen-Hoeksema at Yale University has been studying this problematic style for years. Her research shows that people who ruminate are more likely to get depressed and stay depressed. She finds that women are more likely than men to ruminate — and that this partly predicts the greater likelihood of depression in women. We also know that to some extent rumination is a way to avoid emotions — you are stuck in your thinking because you can’t face the emotions that you may have. You are over-thinking, trying to make sense, trying to get the answer.

And, when you are ruminating you are temporarily withdrawn from reality. You are not active, you aren’t socializing, you are not living in the present moment. You are somewhere else — in your head, in your thoughts, in a different time. You think you are “doing something,” but you are not pursuing goals, nothing is happening, you are stuck.

How Does Rumination Make Sense To You?

Many people who ruminate actually don’t realize that they have a choice. “These thoughts just come into my head and I can’t get rid of them.” It’s as if a thought pops up and you have to entertain it for an hour. You don’t. You do have a choice. For example, you are ruminating and the phone rings. You stop ruminating and talk on the phone. You temporarily set it aside.

Others ruminate because they believe that they will forget what they wanted to remember that was so negative. This is a combination of what psychologists, like Adrian Wells at the University of Manchester, call “cognitive incompetence” and “cognitive consciousness”– where you don’t trust your memory and you are continually focused on your thinking. You can’t trust your memory so you repeat the rumination. But because you think you have to pay attention to every thought that occurs, you are overwhelmed — and there is more to remember.

You also think that thinking about it will give you clarity, give you the final insight, and that everything will make sense. Adrian Wells’s research indicates that ruminators often believe that they have a responsibility to figure it out, that their rumination will lead to solving a problem and that their rumination will motivate them. Sometimes, of course, thinking about what has happened can lead to learning from your mistakes, it can motivate you to try harder, or it can help you find some meaning in your experience. But many times rumination simply leads to getting stuck in the negative, withdrawing from reality, and trapping you in an endless loop of questions without sufficient answers.

Is Your Rumination Helping or Hurting You?

It’s helping if you actually get answers — and get them rather quickly. It’s hurting if you continue repeating the questions and get nowhere.

It’s helping if you get a to-do list today — that is, some concrete behavior that you can engage in that will solve the problem. It’s hurting if you can’t figure out what to do except continue ruminating.

There are roadblocks in setting aside rumination. These include your demand for certainty — “I need to know for sure.” You won’t get certainty in an uncertain world. Another roadblock is your unwillingness to accept that unfair things do happen — and that rumination won’t change that. Bad things happen to good people — including you. If you demand certainty and always expect fairness — and then dwell on these things — you are losing your life one moment at a time. No one says, “I really care for you and I hope that you ruminate every day over the next year.”

How To Set Aside Rumination

If you have concluded that rumination is a problem for you — or if your partner thinks you are complaining too much about your negative thoughts — then consider the following:

1. Will this rumination really help me? What do you hope to gain? Will you really “get the answer?” Will everything make sense? Has it really worked for you? If not, try the next step.

  Set aside rumination time.
This is quite simple, but you will think it may be impossible. Write out the topic of your current rumination — when it occurs — and set up an appointment with it later in the day. Let’s say your rumination time is 4:30 PM. If you ruminate at 10 AM or 10 PM then write it down and think about it at 4:30. Chances are it won’t bother you very much when you meet up with it — and you will be able to enjoy your life during the rest of the day.

  Is there a real problem to solve now?
I like to use this with my own rumination. If I find myself dwelling on something, I try to ask myself, “Is there a problem to solve?” If there is, I then go into problem-solving mode, listing the goal, resources, and writing out a plan, if necessary. Often there is no real problem to solve — it’s a problem that happened in the past. It’s unfortunate, perhaps, but it’s dead and gone.

  Focus on goals that you can accomplish.
A lot of your rumination is focusing on goals you can’t achieve — like changing the past. Let’s say that life is a buffet. If one of the entrees is distasteful, try something else. If you are focusing on a conversation last week — and you are miserable and ruminating — then refocus onto something that is fun today. Changing goals changes the way you think and feel.

  Learn to accept the world in order to live in it. You often ruminate because they reality you chew on is not the one you can swallow. Try accepting that things can be unclear, unfair, unfortunate and unpleasant. That doesn’t mean you like it — doesn’t mean you are saying it’s “OK.” It just means that you say, “I notice it is what it is, but I want to get on with my life.” If you don’t accept what is given, you will drag yourself down further — it’s like treating yourself unfairly (by ruminating) because unfair things have happened. Accepting the past allows you to build the future.

Keep in mind that living in your repetitive thoughts will not solve the problems you need to solve and will not give you the pleasure of the present moment. You have been hitting yourself in the head with rumination. Put down the hammer and pick up your life.

And if you are a Spiritual Person, you can add a whole new dynamic to this train of thought. Not only do you have a chance to stop dwelling on problems, but you have a Creator who has given us promise in the ancient writings! The Bible, to help us with focus on the right things. The good things, not the negative, that is flooding us on all sides.

So, during a deep time of reflection this past morning, realized, in a very real way, and, “Felt” the pain that I caused to my wife with the mis-use of my words. The sad and unfortunate thing, is these times happened while I was under the influence of Alcohol, and was under the influence, through a series of unfortunate events, and it all boiled down to me, making a bad choice, and now, am paying for that choice.

Was feeling this anguish in my spirit since about 1:30 am last night, woke up from a dream, in tears, feeling the pain and sorrow that brought to my wife. Yes, this is very difficult to share, and talk about, but, it is a real thing. There is hope, yes, but this season, is very difficult, for all of us, all because I made a bad choice. There is no one to blame, but myself, for my choice, and I take it even a step further to say that the enemy of my soul has been at work to Steal, Kill and Destroy all that God has set before Jill and I.

Now, we are reeling from the pain of what happened this past year. For you see, this event has happened a handful of times, and each time, i promised to make things right, and yet, chose that path like 6 times, and now, paying for it all dearly.

Please pray for my wife Jill. She felt the sting of the words I spoke, which, by the way, were not true. They were all lies of the enemies camp. It is during this course that I realized that the battle was literally going on between my hears and in my brain. And the enemy used alcohol as a catalyst to compound the problem. Yes, I still take full responsibility, and now, only wish I can take back the words that were spoken. Oh how I pray that God will redeem the time and the days.

God gave me a dream the past 48 hours, and it showed me some very real hope of restoration, healing, love, joy, peace, forgiveness, wholeness and a time of refreshing, this time is here, now and God is asking me to declare the power word of his promise and cancel out the negative words that were spoken. I have been in the battle of my life for my marriage, spiritually, right now.

No more, is there any desire for alcohol, in any form. From this day forward, I chose to live free of alcohol and its power. With my higher power by my side, and in my heart, I am overcoming this.

My choice is from chains, to freedom.

And I know exactly what that looks like, how it feels, and how life should be done! I have missed it for over a year, been getting alot right, but missed one very crucial point in life to be truely successful, and that is following my Creator, with all my Heart. Which, when done, brings very real life transformation, brings healing, brings restoration, brings freedom and brings lots of hope. As I learn to stand on His word no matter what life throws in my direction. No more Fear, only Faith. I am taking a step out of the boat to head towards my creator, in this storm I am in, and believing that all will be well.

Yes, it was sins of the past that brought me to this point in life. And that of not dealing with things that were brought to my attention years ago. Now, they are dealt with, and it is time to move forward and move upward and onward.

It is my hope and prayer that God Fully Redeems and Restores Jill and I and our relationship. I was told, as was spending some time in prayer, and believe that God spoke to my heart. Was wondering why I could not stop thinking of Jill, why and how this new found relationship has caused my heart to literally go pitter patter. THAT has never happened to me before, like ever. Then God spoke to my heart and said, “I wired you to love her.” And she told me that God spoke to her heart that it was okay to “Love Me” as well. And so began our journey.

Now, because of a bad choice, our relationship teeters on the depths of despair.

Please, this is my plea, “Pray that God heals and Restores our relationship.